You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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