I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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