bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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