I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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