I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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