epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
