She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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