Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
