dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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