There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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