i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
