What did we do last night that was yellow?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
