last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize