a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
