Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
