the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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