3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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