The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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