Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize