I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
