I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
