i was rollin on her like bob the builder
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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