some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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