After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
