every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
