I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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