Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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