I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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