just come out here and I will go home with you...
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
too bad you live with your parents still
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
