he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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