The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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