Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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