i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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