sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
