I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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