I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
