Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
