So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
it's like iHOP with fire
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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