I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
