my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My cat gives me a boner
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
