just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Barsexuality is the new black.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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