I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
