even my farts smell like vagina
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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