so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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