We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
