Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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