You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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