I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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