I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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