Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize