Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
everyone is single if you try hard enough
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
