It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
