the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
